god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
