3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
