You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize