how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
