I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
