just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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