I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
