Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
