Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
