There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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