Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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