Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
