I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
