She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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