i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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