Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
