if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
