I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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