On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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