i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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