Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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