Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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