There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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