i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
