Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
