The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
