Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize