Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
