She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
