Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
