Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
