Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
