in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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