Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
