her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
