I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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