I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
