WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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