Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
