I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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