I hope my margaritas pass through security.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
