Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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