How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
