I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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