It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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