No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
