it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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