My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
