Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
