im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
