It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
