Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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