Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
