I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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