You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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