Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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