All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
