I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
