Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
