The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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