Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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