i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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