need another drink. this is the easiest way
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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